Well what can I say, it was bound to occur....the time has come for me to take a leave once more and resurface at an undisclosed date in an, as of yet, unknown state.  Logistically speaking my intel is unclear and kinda sorta a real dogs breakfast....needless to say I am utterly unsurprised by this situation, because as per everything else in my life, nothing is predictable or foreseeable....its one of those never-ending play it by ear things....whereby you go where the wind blows you or the urge strikes....or in my case you go where you are told to go and when you are told to do it.

 

Feeling slightly confused by the pontification and double talk?? WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!!! Im so used to hearing it that now when I hear normal conversation I need to refer to my english translation dictionary, because to me simple plain english now is rather akin in sound to that African "Click language" or Swahili! I mean if you wish to converse with me I can hold my own in several dialects inclusive of French, Irish Gaeilge, Cree, a smattering of German, Italian, Spanish and a wee touch of Maori, but do me a favor....being as none of these are FIRST languages, so to speak, bear in mind that when addressing me in English KINDLY DO SO IN SIMPLE WORDS so that I am not lead to misinterpretation by virtue of sheer shock and awe!

 

I am in essence, buggering off, taking a break....going on a journey of self and rediscovery....which coincidentally co-insides with the pending winter months....

 

YES PEOPLE....KIMMIE IS NOW EFFECTIVELY,  FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES,  GOING INTO HIBERNATION!

 

WHY??? YOU MAY ASK....

 

WELL ITS SIMPLE REALLY....

 

ALBERTA WINTERS SUCK! I DESPISE THEM WITH GREAT ABANDON, ALMOST AS MUCH AS I DETEST THIS GOD FORESAKEN FUCKING FLAT, MAPLE-LESS, RED OAK DEVOID WASTELAND  THAT I HAVE BEEN HELD CAPTIVE IN FOR THE LAST 23 YEARS OF MY MISERABLE EXISTANCE! HOW IN THE FUCK DOES SOMEBODY DEFECT FROM THIS STELMACH RUN HELL-HOLE???  CAN I PLEASE BE EXILED SOMEPLACE THAT AT LEAST HAS A BALMY CLIMATE OF SAY -20 DEGREES THAT INCLUDES THE EFFECTS OF WINDCHILL????

 

WE ALL KNOW WHY IM HERE, IM HERE BECAUSE MY KIDS ARE HERE AND UNTIL SUCH TIME AS I REGAIN SOLE CUSTODY OR MY EX DOES ME THE CURTOUSY OF EITHER GROWING A BRAIN AND RELINQUISHING HIS HOLD ON THEM OR CONVIENANTLY DROPS DEAD AND THEY ARE OTHERWISE LIBERATED TO ME, I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO WAIT OUT MY DAYS IN HOPES THAT GLOBAL WARMING SOON TAKES EFFECT AND THAWS THIS FUCKING SHITHOLE TO SOMEWHERE SLIGHTLY ABOVE THE TEMPERATURE OF THE POLAR ICECAP!

 

AM I BEING SIMPLISTIC IN MY CANDIDNESS??? ARE WE ALL GETTING THE BASIC PICTURE HERE  WITH MY SUBTLE DISCLOSURES???

 

FAR BE IT FROM ME TO ATTEMPT TO DIGUISE MY CONTEMPT FOR THIS LOCATION WITH ANY ATTEMPTS OF BEATING AROUND THE BLOODY BUSH....I HATE IT HERE, EVERYBODY WHO KNOWS ME KNOWS HOW FUCKING MUCH I HATE THIS PLACE AND IM NOT GONNA CHOKE BACK MY DISLIKE FOR MY PRESENT SURROUNDINGS FOR FEAR THAT MY LACK OF TACT AND COUTHE MIGHT OFFEND THE MORE DELICATE NATURED INDIVIDUALS WHO MAY WELL FEEL THE SAME OR SIMILAR AS I DO ABOUT THE PROVINCE AND YET FEEL THE NEED TO COWTOW AND GENUFLECT IN ATTEMPTS TO APPEASE THOSE WHOM FEEL THAT ALBERTA IS THE EPI-CENTER OF THE MOTHER FUCKING UNIVERSE!!!!

 

I COULD GIVE 2 SHITS LESS WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME OR ABOUT ME ANYMORE....WHO THE HELL CALLS ME UP AND REQUESTS MY OPINION ON THEIR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS???? I DONT SEE MYSELF BEING CALLED IN FOR CONSULTATION WITH ANY DEGREE OF FREQUENCY, NOR DO I FIND MYSELF BEING THE POTENTATE OF ANY GRAND DEBATE ON THE INFRASTRUCTURE OF ALBERTAN POLITICS AND PUBLIC OPINION ON THE SAME.

 

IF I WERE A BEAR I WOULD BE BUSILY RAIDING EVERY GARBAGE CAN AND DUMP, BUSY LOCATING EVERY BIT OF SPILLED GRAIN AND REMAINING VEGITATION IN GARDENS, STRIPPING EVERY EDIBLE BIT OF FOLIGATE AND BERRY FROM EVERY SINGLE FRUIT TREE IN MY WAKE AND THEN WADING THAT ALL DOWN WITH A NICE PILE OF DRIED GRASS AND LEAF MATTER TO SERVE AS A PLUG TO KEEP THE AFORE MENTIONED CONSUMED DIET SECURELY IN MY GULLET LONG ENOUGH TO BE RENDERED INTO A LOVELY LAYER OF FAT TO SUSTAIN MYSELF THROUGH THE LONG COLD UGLY ALBERTA WINTER, RATHER THAN HAVING IT POUR OUT MY ASS IN THE FORM OF LIQUIFIED BEAR SHIT, SO THAT WHEN I AWOKE REFRESHED, SLIGHTLY THINNER, WITH CONSIDERABLY HAIRY LEGS AND 2 HALF GROWN CUBS AT MY SIDE, PEOPLE WOULD BE PERFECTLY CONTENT IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT THIS WAS IN FACT HOW A BEAR WAS TO BEHAVE COMING FROM A STATE OF DEEP SLUMBER, THEN THEY MIGHT NOT BE SO TAKEN ABACK WHEN I SNARLED AND GROWLED AT THEM AND TOOK THE OCCASIONAL SWIPE AT ANYBODY SO FOOLISH AS TO POSITION THEMSELVES BETWEEN ME AND MY FIRST MEAL OF THE SEASON, THEY WOULDNT LOOK AT ME LIKE I WAS SOME FORM OF HEATHEN FOR NOT BEING PERKY, SMILEY AND CHIPPER WHEN I COME STUMBLING INTO THE KITCHEN/OFFICE/STORE/DENTIST/WHERE THE FUCK EVER LOOKING BLEARY EYED, FRAZZLED, DISORIENTED AND WANTING LITTLE MORE THAN TO JUST BE LEFT THE HELL ALONE TO DO MY THING WITHOUT ANY INTERFERENCE OR OBJECTION FROM SOME SMALLER, LESSER CREATURE ON THE FOODCHAIN.

 

SO YEAH, IN LIEU OF FRUITS, BERRIES, LEAVES, GRAIN, GARBAGE AND GRASS, I AM PREPARING FOR MY SLEEP WITH A DIET OF PEROGIES, BACON, SAUTEED ONIONS, BUTTER, CHOCOLATE, DR.PEPPER, COFFEE, MOCHA, DONUTS, MULTIGRAIN CHEERIOS, MCDICKS AND A LOTTA FUCKING CODIENE AND SEDATIVES, BECAUSE CODIENE HAS A CONSTIPATING EFFECT AND I WOULDNT WANNA DRUG MYSELF UNCONCIOUS ONLY TO HAVE THE DIGESTIVE PROCESS TURN INTO ONE LARGE FART RATHER THAN FAT AND RESULT IN ME SHITTING THE BED WHILE I SLEPT!!!

 

GOOD NIGHT ALBERTA....ITS NOW MY BEDTIME....WHEN I AWAKE I EXPECT TO FIND YOU GREEN, LUSH (NOT A GREEN LUSH....THATS USUALLY ME AFTER I EMBIBE IN FAR TOO MANY SHOTS OF SAMBUKA WITH COORS LIGHT CHASERS!), AND HOPEFULLY CHANGED FOR THE BETTER....(THIS MAY OR MAY NOT INCLUDE MY EX BEING SMARTENED UP OR DEAD....IT COULD INCLUDE A COMBINATION OF EITHER ONE OR BOTH....WHATEVER WOULD BE THE MOST EFFECTIVE WOULD BE HIGHLY WELCOMED BUT NOT OVERLY ANTICIPATED BECAUSE ANYONE DELUDED ENOUGH TO THINK THEY CAN SLEEP FOR 5 MONTHS STRAIGHT REALLY ISNT IN THEIR RIGHT FUCKING MIND NOW ARE THEY!!!!!)....BUT I DIGRESS....WHERE WAS I AGAIN???? OH YES, I REMEMBER NOW....WHEN I WAKE UP I HOPE TO FIND MYSELF NOT ONLY THINNER, BUT PREFERABLY RICHER, LESS STRESSED, HAVE FEWER DARK CIRCLES UNDER MY PUFFY BLOODSHOT EYES AND PAIN FREE.

 

WORD FOR THE WISE....DO NOT TRY WAKING ME UP PRIOR TO THE DAWNING OF SPRING....BEARS WHO ARE WOKE UP ARE NOT VERY NICE TO DEAL WITH, THEY ARE SOMEWHAT CRANKY AND HOSTILE, THEY TEND TO KILL THEIR TORMENTORS SLOWLY AND THEN EAT THEM!!!! BEAR BELLS DO NOT WORK NOR DOES PEPPER SPRAY BECAUSE BEARS LIKE THEIR FOOD SEASONED TOO!!!! TIS BEST JUST TO SLOWLY BACK AWAY FROM THE SLUMBERING BEAST AND GIVE THEM AN EXCEPTIONALLY WIDE BIRTH AND PREMIT THEM TO CONTINUE ON LUXURIATING IN THEIR STATE OF BLISS.

 

NOW WITHOUT ANY FURTHER ADIEU, I BID YOU ALL GOODBYE, FAIRWELL....AUF WIEDEUSIEN, SIANARORA (OR HOWEVER THE FUCK YA SPELL IT...JAPENESE WAS NEVER ONE OF MY STRONG SUITS WHEN IT CAME TO SPELLING AND GRAMMAR!) AND IF YOU SHOULD WAKE ME PRIOR TO MY OFFICIAL DATE OF RE-EMERGENCE AND ITS NOT A ACTUAL CASE OF LIFE AND DEATH....IT SOON WILL BE!!!!

 

LADDER3 IS GOING TO GROUND....OFF DUTY....OUTTA HERE....OH AND BY THE WAY....ANYONE WHO SHOWS UP IN TIME TO SEE ME HAUL MY CARCASS OUTTA THE SACK HAD BEST HAVE THE COMMON SENSE TO HAND ME A FRESHLY BREWED COFFEE....AND BE SURE TO CHECK THE EXPIREY DATE ON THE IRISH CREAM BEFORE ADDING IT TO MY CUP....I WANT FRESH IRISH CREAM IN MY COFFEE NOT IRISH CREAM FLAVORED COTTAGE CHEESE!!!! YOU WANNA SEE REALLY PISSED OFF....PULL A SHITTIN STUNT LIKE THAT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO YER HIDE! IT DONT PAY TO TAUNT ME WITH THE SMELL OF FRESH COFFEE AND SERVE ME A SHODDY CUP WITH RANCID CREAM IN IT DESPITE THE ALCOHOL CONTENT INVOLVED! NEVER TEASE THE BEARS!!!